Monday, 10 June 2013

Trouble in Paradise


The story of Adam and Eve appears in art a lot.  There’s just something about this particular story of the first humans’ fall from grace that strikes a chord with artists.  I tend to think it’s a combination of human nature wanting to have a scapegoat or two for all of its problems, plus artists loving any excuse to paint people naked.  But whatever. 

This particular rendition is by 15th century Italian artist Giovanni di Paolo.  It’s actually called “The Creation and the Expulsion from the Paradise,” but I like to imagine it all as a more creative take on the expulsion bit.


We’ll start with God.


He swoops in, surrounded by winged angel heads.  Were all those angels strangulated before they were beheaded, giving them that attractive purplish tint?  Also, why is God always old in paintings?  Here he just created the universe, but he’s already literally trying to chase the kids off his lawn.  WITH THE UNIVERSE.  To me, it looks like he’s rolling the universe right back up, Katamari Damacy style.  “You kids don’t like my rules?  FINE.  NO UNIVERSE FOR YOU.”

Before the whole fruit issue, it kind of looks like there were problems in the garden already.


Are these demonic groundhog holes, burrowing up through the Orchard of the Lord?  See if you can tell when spring arrives in a vacuous abyss, Punxsutawney Satan.

Evidently Adam and Eve weren’t the only ones on restrictive diets in the universe.  It is possible that the reason we can’t see angels is because they are always turned sideways to our line of sight.  I have to say that the angel doesn’t look very fearsome as he chases the humans out.  Really he looks more like he’s telling them, “Please…go now…find some food, before it’s too laaaaate…”


I think the best part, though, is Adam.  Here he is, being kicked out of Paradise, the universe being sucked up behind him, and he takes the time to cop a feel as he strolls out. 


And thus, priorities for mankind were set forever.

21 comments:

  1. That's hilarious, I missed the feel copping bit. I thought God was giving them a plate. "Oh, you like fruit? Here's a plate! Get out!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My first thought too was that the universe is jut a commemorative plate. Which thinking about it now seems about right.

      Delete
    2. The Limited Edition Universe Commemorative Plate is a stylish accent to any deity's wall. Order today!

      Delete
    3. God's mistake there was not including the PayPall account info to collect all that money coming in.

      Delete
  2. Why does G-d treat his angels so poorly? Decapitating them, and also, the one shepherding Adam and Eve out of the garden is so emaciated. You'd think the Ruler of the Universe would have enough food to feed his minions!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes the heavenly host needs a little extra motivation to keep on singing praises for all eternity. Either that or in heaven has the ultimate weight-loss system: the more you eat, the more you lose!

      Delete
    2. First case of Bulimia?

      Delete
  3. I don't think that is god, I think it's Josiah Wedgwood pictured making an early doorstep sale. Like Pickleope says it's all about "buy my pates buy my plates oy but the deal I can do for you if you buy two dozen..."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dunno, God is pretty good at making offers that you can't refuse (without severe consequences). I bet he could sell a plate or two.

      Delete
  4. Eve reveals herself as the mother of all women with A cups. The caption of the painting should be "More than a handful is a waste" - the proud motto of small-titted women.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, when she was designed, she was a spinoff of the male model--and reproduction/lactation weren't apparently concerns in the initial rollout phase. They were added in as a later deliberate design flaw.

      Delete
    2. I've seen one baby suck a mom from a full C nothing, so mother of all women... she didn't stand a chance.

      Delete
  5. People generally think of God as knowing everything. That would take a long time so it's logical to think of him as old. As for the purple angel heads, yours surely is a good theory. I think those are serpents (snakes) in the garden. I agree completely about the angel. One thing, the size and placement of that flower over his privates is a bit in-your-face being so prominent.

    Adam looks like he's smirking. He's like "screw your garden, I'll live off apples and love, man."
    Thanks for explaining what the dinner plate was.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it's important to accentuate one's privates with a tasteful flower arrangement. And I guess Adam was the first hippie!

      Delete
    2. Ohhhh, good! What's that number...1-800-flowers?

      I like your idea about Adam being our first hippie too. It fits right in with my concept of him.

      Delete
  6. I'm another "why is God rolling in a plate?" person. Maybe it's actually a garden warming gift and the angel is just letting them know they need to move so the place can come through.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That plate would hold one heck of a fruit salad. At least I assume that is what plates in Eden would be holding. I guess Genesis doesn't say whether Adam liked a barbecue with all the animals he named.

      Delete
  7. What's with the tiny flower? Do angels have little dickeronies?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least according to "Dogma", angels don't get a lot of Happy Fun Time in the bedroom.

      Delete
  8. PS: I sent you a picture that made me think of you that I saw at the National Gallery in Washington DC. I sent it through Twitter because I don't think I have your email, but then noticed you don't check it much so -- it's there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is true that I am terrible at Twitter so my account is fairly neglected. But I think I have found the picture you mean and it is awesome!

      Delete